Keith Waddington Waddo absurdist Humour Humor comedy A Concise History of the World 20th century

THE 20TH CENTURY CONTINUED

Since this particular era is complicated in the extreme, being frequently misunderstood by dead people of previous centuries, perhaps the most effective way--or at least cheapest--of communicating some truth of its nature and essence is by the inclusion of the following selection of particularly pertinent newspaper reports which will, collectively, give good indication of whatever it is we are talking about.

MAN MUGGED

In Leeds, England, a Mr John Smith was mugged as he collected a Social Security check from his post box, by a masked man who pulled down his trousers. The question police are asking is, who's trousers did he pull down? Mr Smith refused to comment.

The Phantom Eraser strikes again. Last night, in the quiet village of Dotherinton, inhabitants found themselves under the attack of The Phantom Eraser. This morning it seems as many as twenty-seven words were wiped out during the course of this dastardly crime.

WHEN WILL IT END? The Sun demands. What next? Hardest hit are fictional characters in novels. Last week the word "belt" was erased from a sentence referring to The Sherlock Holmes. This resulted in the dropping of the poor fellow's trousers. And in a public place too. THE PEOPLE OF BRITAIN DEMAND SOME THING BE DONE! Our Men in Blue should act, and without further delay. (The Sun)

Shock waves are still being felt throughout the entire Catholic world since the announcement yesterday, by Vatican officials, that God is dead, and that the Pope, who has known of this for the last three years, is an alcoholic and practicing necrophiliac. It is also reported that young and desirable nuns were often invited over to his private quarters and invited to fondle his private quarters. On occasion they were asked to "play dead," which they did with apparent eagerness.

The deadness of God, his lack of being, non-existantness, inert condition, reluctance to exist, absence of animation, and the resultant reduction of elasticity, may not however signal the end of the Catholic Church. A desperate search is now underway for a suitable replacement, and the spectrum of possibilities is indeed wide: Large stone phallic symbols, fields of corn, people over seven feet tall, people under three feet tall, black cats, the number thirteen, broken mirrors, and putting the chicken before the egg are all being considered.

Meanwhile, Pope John Paul, guilt-ridden and unwashed, has decided on suicide as the way out, if in a slightly unorthodox manner: He has offered his body for scientific research, with the condition that it not be used to prove Darwin was right after all.

Flood warnings have been issued for the bottom 3/4 of the world. Severe rain storms and unusually high tides are expected to reach 6.2 on the dampness scale in the following countries:

Brazilian Minister of Wet Stuff, Micheli Pasterelli, advises that drinking water be stored in porous containers, and that bathing costumes be worn beneath clothing at all times, until the emergency is over.

Argentinean Captain of civil defence and death squad supervisor, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, "The situation is well in hand, or my name's not Ricardo Cortadillo." Meanwhile, Pope John Paul the Second said a large ark, under construction in the Vatican workshop, was near completion.

U.N rescue services are standing by for further development, and should the worst come to the worst a special committee will discuss the possibility of discussion regarding the formation of a mediation team to oversee the selection of a 12 member arbitration panel which will select personnel to select personnel who in turn will decide whether or not such an arrangement was needed in the first place, and if so how delegation of power will be accomplished in order to render emergency operations most efficient and reduce confusion.

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Has life really changed since those dark prehistoric days of our beginnings? Perhaps not so much as we think: Recently Tom Scratchwick, an archaeologist from the University of Scunthorpe, made what has been described as the most important stone age find of all time, or at least since this morning. Working at the Clapham High Street excavation, Mr Scratchwick came upon what at first appeared to be the Saturday edition of The Sun newspaper, but later turned out to be the oldest known manuscript yet found. Of particular interest to archaeologists is the presence of the "page three girl," who appears to be wearing nothing more and nothing less. Carbon dating suggests the manuscripts origin to be the earlPalaeolithic period, and remarkably, even at that early date, Benny Hill is still found in the T.V listings.

The document's discovery has sent shock waves through out the archaeological and anthropological world and the papers authenticity has become a serious point of contention. The centre of the controversy seems to be frequent references to Margaret Thatcher, which appear on several different pages. Mr Scratchwick says they infer to a Margaret Thatcher, and not the Margaret Thatcher. Strangest of all, the scantily-clad "page three girl" bears more than a passing resemblance to Queen Elizabeth II.

The debate goes on, and perhaps the truth of "The Clapham High Street Papers", as they have come to be known, will never be completely revealed.

Below, by kind permission of Mr Scratchwick, we reprint a short excerpt of the original untranslated text.

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Ugg ug ug, Margaret Thatcher? Ug ug ug!!! Ug uuuug uggggg! Ugi ugi ug. Ugg ugg ugggggg, shove it up her ugg.